My son, Owen Gray Barb, was born on Saturday March 22, 2008. He arrived exactly 2 weeks before his expected due date.
Thursday was the vernal Equinox, Friday was the Full Moon. I planned throughout the pregnancy to have this baby early. When just a few weeks along, I dreamed of the birth and baby, and the baby weighed only 6 ½ lbs. I was so proud of that weight! It is apparent to me now that during the pregnancy, one of my most significant concerns was to grow a baby that was smaller than Kya had been at birth (10 lbs 5 oz).
During this pregnancy I was the healthiest I have ever been, I think. I ate very well, drank lots of water, and walked, walked, walked……not so much at first, but throughout the winter, we made it a family routine to walk somewhere on the mountain every day. I loved it!!! I felt great.
Our midwives had told us that we could safely labor and birth at home no earlier than 37 weeks gestation, so all throughout, we planned that after that date (March 14th) we would begin trying to start the labor. Silly though it was because we are both aware there is really nothing that can be done to bring it on (I certainly wasn’t interested in castor oil, or any other similar means). I guess we would just plan to have plenty of sex, take plenty of long walks, and simply will/welcome the labor to begin.
Somehow, it worked!
I believe that the anticipation of his early arrival was part of the plan to birth a smaller baby. From about 7 months on, I just knew (as well as his father knew) that he would come early. In fact, the week before he was born, we had a prenatal and quite matter of factly; I told Ruth Ann and Sarita that I was sure he would be born the following week perhaps due to the magical influence of the Equinox and Full Moon approaching!
On Monday the 10th, I began to experience diarrhea and slight nausea. I thought that perhaps these were the labor hormones kicking in, but a day after realized that it was my body’s reaction to the flu that had been circulating (turns out my whole family got it!). Although, it was a mild case of the flu and not hormones, this did cause my contractions to pick up in a serious way. The three days after the stomach bug, the cxs were very regular and stronger, more determined. I believe that these were the cxs that brought the baby down into my pelvis and began my cervix opening. At my prenatal at the end of that week, I had lost 3 lbs, and after our first cervical exam, learned that my cervix was 1-2 cms open, and very soft!
Our next prenatal was on Wednesday the 19th at 3:45, and although I had been experiencing cxs sporadically every day for a few weeks, they (cxs) seemed to have stopped that day! We left after the appointment and they picked up! We returned to the office that evening because the cxs became something different….stronger, more pressure on my cervix and whole bottom. We asked Sarita to check my cervix then so we would know where we were. We were still at 1-2 cm, yet fully effaced.
The next day was the vernal Equinox finally!! Paul and I had been waiting and preparing for this day all winter! We had plans to go for a long, celebratory nature walk, have a bonfire, plant some flowers, and cook. We actually did achieve most of our goals for the day. It was so beautiful and clear…sunny and warm. I had cxs all day, perhaps 20 minutes apart, some stronger than others. We enjoyed each other and the springness of the day. That evening I sat alone for a while by the fire in the yard and meditated on the spring Moon rising over the mountains. I had a front row seat. The Mountains were a stage on which the Moon was the star of the show: beautiful, bright, inspiring, ever changing, yet ever rhythmic and predictable! I felt quite proud of my pregnancy, my full belly, and even the contractions. I sat with my bottom on the sweet Earth, and lived fully in the cxs, feeling united with the Mother Earth and all creatures that have labored and birthed. I felt open, at peace, proud, and powerful. All the while, I envisioned my cervix opening up. I could see my baby’s head and the circle of the cervix slowly, yet surely opening over it. Beautiful!
The next day was Friday, the Full Moon. My mother had planned to come down to pick up Kya and take her back home with her for the weekend. We looked forward to the time alone, and I truly looked forward to the peaceful weekend ahead, yet something felt not right about them leaving. My cxs had continued on Friday…still about 20 mins apart, with the same degree of strength. My mom had packed Kya into the car and asked again before she left if I was sure I was okay with her leaving. I assured her that I was.
Once Mom and Kya had left, within about a half hour, the cxs picked up to an alarming frequency and strength. Paul talked with me and strongly recommended that I call mom while she still had a cell phone signal in the Elkins area and ask her to return for the labor was beginning. I was in denial, I believe. I don’t think that I believed we were there already. I really wouldn’t have called her to come back, but he was insistent, and so I called her. She turned around and headed back with a most devastated 2 ½ year old who had been so excited about spending the weekend at Granny’s.
Once I knew that they were on their way back, the cxs again stepped up to a new level, simply stronger and more frequent. I spent some time knitting and reading while waiting for them. Once they returned, I went out to the porch and sat for a while. Kya came up and talked to me, and for about 30-45 mins, I had NO cxs!! I felt so bad, as if they’d just done this thing and canceled their weekend for me, and then my labor stopped. But, it was a small fluke, because soon they were back, and stronger. Terry came to get Kya and stayed for a short while. I tried to eat some dinner, but was not too interested in it. When a contraction would come, I felt that I needed to be alone, away from the conversation at least, so I would go to another room or corner to be with my feelings, and then I’d go back to socializing once it had passed.
Soon, my daughter was gone, and my mother began to check our vitals. All was going well. I believe that mom had called the midwives and had told them that she guessed based on my verbal and facial expressions that I was near 5-6 cms. I was bathing when Ruth Ann arrived. We had a pretty relaxing evening and I was surprisingly cheerful and peaceful. I had chosen weeks before to “stop thinking.” I had practiced more than usual to quiet my mind…to simply be.
I continued visualizing the perfect circle of my cervical opening slowly, widening over my sweet baby’s head. Each contraction came and went, and I made low, musical moaning sounds to try to match the intensity of each feeling. And once they were over, I felt very aware and in the moment, socializing and smiling. I stress this point because it was vastly different during my previous labor with Kya. My head and awareness was so far gone from this reality, like I had taken strong hallucinogens and was drifting in some alternate reality….it was wild. I couldn’t even communicate 2 words, let alone feel like myself and be cheerful.
Somewhere along in the evening, we decided to have Ruth Ann check my cervix. I was a bit apprehensive for fear of becoming nauseated like I did so frequently during Kya’s labor. Yet, she checked and I felt surprisingly comfortable with the experience. She was in there feeling about and asked if I wanted to know where I was. Although I try to live without regrets, I do at times wish that I’d said No, I don’t want to know. I remember it being a tentative birth plan of mine to not know my dilation, but there she was with the information available, and I simply said yes, I want to know. I stress this point as well, because I feel that if I had answered differently, then the labor would have progressed differently, but, I suppose that it happened exactly as it was suppose to!
I was 9 centimeters when she checked. It was about 10 pm on Friday evening. I was so surprised, and excited, and proud! I told Paul to go ahead and fill up the pool. They called Sarita who was soon on her way over. We all figured we’d be done and asleep in the next couple of hours. But we were wrong. I don’t know why exactly, but I spent the next 14 hours in a wretched state of DENIAL!
Every time I got in the tub, the cxs would slow to a near halt and yes, it felt great being in the water. I felt 90% lighter and was able to move into some great pelvis opening positions, yet the cxs just stopped coming!! I began to get frustrated, yet remembered to remain patient. I just sat there in the quiet of the night looking on the tired faces of my attendants and waited. I felt ready though. I felt like I was so close and ready to do this, but at the same time I was far from the point every woman must go to in order to end it. I got out of the tub and tried walking around the house, squatting on the floor on all fours, leaning on the bed, on chairs, the couch.
Ruth Ann checked dilation again and found that there was a small anterior lip of cervix that needed to be softened, moved. It was quite painful when she tried to move it during a contraction, so immediately she ceased trying. She recommended that I try doing cxs standing, not leaning over, but standing upright to try to get the head past the lip. Sarita had gone to sleep in Kya’s room and Mom and Ruth Ann stayed in the living room. I played some meditative music and swayed/danced to the music…some on my own, some with Paul moving with me. For an hour I rhythmically moved through these contractions and was really working hard to get the task done. I was somewhat frustrated, but remained patient.
RuthAnn came and checked my cervix again. The lip was still there, although softer and moveable. So at that point, I believed that I could try to push slightly with cxs if I felt like I wanted to. It seems like I was left alone for a while after this. It was the middle of the night; I think the ladies were resting in the living room. Paul came to bed and tried to sleep for a while. I laid here in my bed in a seemingly pathetic state of denial. I did not want to do it anymore. The pain in my back was terrible; if only the back pain would cease, I knew I would have no trouble finishing this task. Yet, as with my first labor, I knew there was only one way to end it. I still didn’t though!
It seems like I wasted much time trying to configure some plan to get myself out of this situation without ending it the traditional way. I thought maybe they could reach up inside me and pull it out. Surely it’s been done in the past, they can do that right? What about a shot in my back, perhaps a local anesthetic to numb the back ache, and then I could do it! I even came to the conclusion that if ever I find myself pregnant again, I will without delay or question, schedule a C-section! Although, I am ashamed to admit it now, I was truly serious in the decision at the time.
Morning came and Ruth Ann came into the room with such a beautiful, cheerful charm that one couldn’t help but be uplifted and excited! She said with a bright smile, “Good Morning, my name’s Ruth Ann, I’ll be taking care of you this morning!” We smiled and I truly was feeling better (second wind, I guess).
I don’t specifically remember any more cervical checks, I mostly remember the next few hours as lying in my bed either by myself or with Paul next to me while I began to familiarize myself with the sensations involved with the mild-pushing cxs. They would come and I would really try to push with them, but I know I wasn’t pushing as hard as I could have. I don’t think I should’ve at that point. It felt right, what I was doing. Other women might push full force as soon as they get the okay, but not me. I took it millimeter by millimeter to slowly bring my boy down. Little push by little push I worked. After all, I am the type to remove a band aid by slowly peeling back, hair by hair, instead of one quick painful pull!
It seems I tried (by suggestion of the midwives) several different positions. I stood and was held up at different times by Paul, Sarita, and Mom. I leaned over chairs. I leaned over the birth ball on the floor and with it on my bed. My particular favorite was propped up in my bed by pillows, leaning on my right side with my left leg bent up while I held onto it. This position helped me feel powerful, in control, and strong. I know that in order to finish a labor and get your baby out, you need to surrender control in order to experience the ultimate power and strength of birth. So although I kept trying to come back to this position, the ladies encouraged others, in particular, the damn Birth Stool.
The birth stool would not be so bad, yet the pain in my back was the most terrible while sitting on the stool. I suppose that means that it was good for the progression of labor, but damn, it was difficult to sit there and allow it happen! We started with Sarita supporting me from behind. She sat on the edge of the bed and I leaned back into her while sitting on the stool. This was a comforting position (emotionally, certainly not physically). She worked on energy movement through my back, and whatever she did was magic….just what I had needed all along. It was really quite relieving, but only briefly until the cxs returned. Ruth Ann was on the floor in front of me with a flashlight, and a tray of goodies for baby’s arrival (the sight of this was somewhat inspiring….approaching the end). Mom was behind her providing fresh warm compresses. Paul was at times beside me holding my hand, or pacing the house, or down below checking out the view, hopeful to catch a glimpse of the head.
Let me just quickly say that the warm compresses are a superb assistant to a woman going through these sensations. Without them, I felt that my whole body, my whole self was falling apart, no, that it had already fallen. It was like there was no boundary between my bottom and the space below me. I felt too open. But with the compresses, I could feel like a whole body again, I knew where the end of me was and was then able to work towards something and not feel so lost.
I suppose there was still a shred of denial left within me because I jumped up once again and leaned over the bed. I just thought it would be to my benefit to change positions again (perhaps I simply hoped for relief). After a few cxs like that, I was encouraged to come back to sitting on the stool. I did, and this time, my Mother was behind me and Sarita then moved to the floor with Ruth Ann.
The bag of waters was presenting. We had a mirror so I was able to see it, and I reached in and felt it several times as well. The midwives kept preparing for the splash, the explosion of the bag, but it never came. Through each contraction, it remained in tact and I believe they were all quite surprised that it was so resilient to the extreme pressure.
The contractions were now becoming more serious, determined. The power that they issued was incredible!! I could not resist them no matter what my mind would’ve wished for. Before these you can somewhat decide how much you will feel from each contraction, but not these. These are seriously moving! I remember saying all the typical things that you expect a woman to say in these moments, “Oh God, IT HURTS!” and “Stop this, please” and “HELP ME!!” I am a very literal person and knew before the labor and after how cliché and silly these comments are. But there are simply no words to express the feelings, but you feel that you must say something instead of remaining silent in your misery!
My mother said as she hugged me from behind, “It’s okay, we’re all here to help you.” My exasperated response was, “NO, you can’t.” She responded, “Well, we’re here to support you.” I cried and moaned and looked into the faces of those around me and just was so upset. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t angry (perhaps I should’ve been), I was just totally upset, like I was grieving myself. I could not know comfort and security anymore. I was all alone in my body and although I was surrounded by love and friends, I was completely alone in this space of physical reality.
But, the bag of waters was still in tact and the midwives I think discussed breaking it, but must’ve been waiting for me to give the okay. I finally remember asking if they could not just break it! I said yes, please just end this! Well, with the next contraction they did. Water was everywhere. After that, within about 30 seconds to a minute (I guess), the baby was coming. I didn’t want to feel it, I didn’t want the hugeness to be moving through me, but I simply had no choice. It was so fast, it was there and I was as open and as wild as a woman can feel, and then it ended. Ruth Ann and Paul together caught him and pulled him up to my arms.
The placenta followed the birth of the baby by a few minutes (maybe 5-10?). After all was out of me, we cuddled up in bed with chux pads and blankets and a hot water bottle to ensure his warmth. We remained bundled up in a birth love nest for over an hour. It was delightful!!
I felt that I was in denial even past the moment of finally holding him. It was some time after the birth when I was sitting in bed with baby and placenta finally out of me and we were wrapped up together, that I finally accepted that it was over, and I had completed the task.
The cord and placenta were still attached. The placenta was wrapped up in a chux pad beside us, and he was on me nursing. I was able to study the placenta (a luxury I did not have with my first babe), and check out the cord....from immediate post birth, to its docile, non-pulsing state.
I thought that this was a great opportunity to very smoothly and pleasantly transition between the togetherness of pregnancy to the separate, but togetherness of mother-child bond. About an hour and half after birth, the cord was clamped and cut by my husband.
Initially, I was disappointed in the way the labor transpired. I was ashamed that it had taken so long, that I refused to move past 9 cm. I had gotten to that point SO easily…. I am still amazed at the ease in which I made it to 9 cms. I am equally amazed at how long it took from that point to the end.
After much reflection, I believe that I truly tried to “savor” the experience. In the moment, I certainly didn’t feel that way, yet it seems to make sense now in looking back. I can look back on and be proud of my willingness to move around and try different positions. I won’t forget the image of my full pregnant self swaying beautifully to music in the intimacy of my room. The experience was quite lovely, sensual, peaceful.
Opening your mind and body to nature’s desire to continue itself is unlike any other experience, and we are utterly blessed to be trusted with this task. What a terrific honor!